Gitclone | $GITCLONE

$ git clone office://origin --seat=0002

EMPLOYEES 0001

DESKS 01 / 30

EMPLOYEE 0001 · ORIGINAL

EMPLOYEE_HANDBOOK.md read-only · synced from origin

1. Duplication Policy

Every seat cloned from the seat before it is a full member of staff on day one: same shirt, same stain, same badge photo. Onboarding is one paste, not a schedule.
2. Desk Assignment

New hires do not choose a desk. The desk chooses itself, because it is the same desk, pasted one column over.
3. Personal Effects

The cardboard box travels with every clone: same plant, same corner sticking out, same angle. Facilities has stopped filing tickets about it.
4. Dress Code

Business casual, or whatever the original was already wearing, exactly. The coffee stain is not part of the uniform. It just never fails to copy over.
5. Standing Desks

Considered and rejected in Q2. A clone frozen mid-stand reads less like ergonomics and more like it is reaching for something behind you.
6. Performance Reviews

Every clone is benchmarked against the original. Every clone has matched him exactly, down to the coffee stain, on every review to date.

git clone --help HR / People Ops

--why-identical: Bandwidth. Leadership asked us to prioritize headcount over individuality this quarter.
--is-0002-aware: Employee 0002 has the same calendar access as everyone else on the floor. Draw your own conclusion from his meeting acceptance rate.
--what-happens-at-seat-30: The floor plan runs out of floor. Recruiting has been told, in writing, to stop early.
--request-the-original: The original is also, on paper, a clone of the requisition form that created the role. There is no earlier version to escalate to.
--payroll-impact: One badge number, one salary, however many bodies are currently answering to it this pay period.
--who-do-i-report-a-duplicate-to: The duplicate. He sits closest to the issue.

git log --oneline culture initiatives, most recent first

a3f9c12feat: casual Fridays extended to every weekday, payroll caught the change two cycles late
118e04bfix: quarterly all-hands moved to a room sized for the original headcount, before the roster grew
7cd221achore: replaced the ping pong table with a second, identical ping pong table
4b0f88edocs: updated the org chart; it still lists one name for every desk on the floor
90a13defeat: opened a wellness room; the wellness room is also cloned, coffee stain and all
2f7b0a1chore: snacks restocked; snack drawer count now scales automatically with headcount

PR #0002 · Employee Reviews 4 comments

Employee 0007 Approved

Onboarding felt instant. I do not remember choosing this desk, but I am sitting at it correctly.
Employee 0014 Requested changes

My badge photo updates before I do.
Employee 0021 Approved

Great place to work, if work is the right word for occupying a seat that already had someone in it.
Employee 0002 Comment

I have been meaning to finish loading. Filed a ticket about it in March. Facilities marked it "in progress."

Employee handbook